last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
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So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
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