just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
