I want to walk on stilts...naked
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
vagina is talking i cant
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today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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