Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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