im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she pinky promised me she was 18
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
