You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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