My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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