please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
