even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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