I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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