the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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