The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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