waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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