so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
