Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
