so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
