Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
