her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
