I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
