I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
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she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
BRING THE BAGELS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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