I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
