Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
