My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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