some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
