Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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