we have pet lesbian snakes
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
