Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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