I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
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My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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