i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
