Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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