Don't make out with my wife yet
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
