my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
