Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am one with the molecules
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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