the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
