I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
