she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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