Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
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I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
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Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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