i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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