I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
