this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i drank out of a bidet.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
