I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
