I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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