I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
