Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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