I am in a vortex of obligation.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
