I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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