Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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