This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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