If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
