standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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