He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
