I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
