It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
