her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
