Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
